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Lessons From Half Of Me: My Life As An Alienated Child, Parent and Step Parent

Friday, January 2, 2015 - PAS - Joseph Kenick III

I remember my mother having a long relationship with a man who I adored, he filled a lot of the void I felt for my own father who would never find me now because “mom” had changed our last names to her fiancé’s last name and put us in a new school to protect us from “dad” in the event he was even looking for us.


As a child growing up without my father caused a constant void in my life. I missed him. I loved him. I was half of him.

I only contribute that to the fond memories I had of sitting on his lap driving his big white Ford truck as he laughed that deep laugh and teased not to get to close to the ditch and I remember times of camping and Trout fishing at the 11 mile Reservior. Climbing into bed in the middle of the night with he and my mom because I was scared, and him welcoming me.
Many times I would ask to see my dad, only to be asked why and given this long sorted version of why my parents were divorced and how could I want to see him after what he’s done. That he didn’t support me or didn’t care if I had clothes or even shoes for school. I tried writing him letters only to have those letters opened and me being told what to take out and what I should actually say that might not sound the way “mom” thought he would interpret it.

20140401-142739.jpg

 

Both my parents are gone now. My resentment is evident, I feel the pain of my childhood and don’t often visit the graves of either of my parents. I think of them often and wish things could have been different. I love them both.

I got married I feel later in life to my daughter’s father, she was 8 at the time and I was 29. We have two daughters together both of which have a very open relationship with their dad. I do have primary custody of them. But, quite honestly, I don’t watch the Holidays or the schedule that closely. ( I look in my daughters eyes and they miss their father and his family, just like I did and I know from my own experience that I am probably half the woman I could be if I at least could have known my Dad, Aunt’s, Uncle’s and cousin’s where I came from on the other side.) So depending on what they want, we make plans according to which side of the family they want to spend their Holiday with. It is very hard at times but I chose divorce, not them.

My girls are not a possession and trying to hurt their father or make him feel less of a man or empty inside because of my own animosity towards him is cruel, not only to him but to the children I’m helping raise and example I am setting for them. I am not a perfect mother, I have made many mistakes. I can’t expect perfection from their father either.

My own divorced stemmed from Operation Iraqi Freedom and my ex husband returning to me and the kids with PTSD. Very emotionless towards his life with me, yet angry he wasn’t able to do more while deployed, and at times suicidal. This is where it got hard because in order to protect the girls I had to remove them from this, in hopes it would snap him out of what he was going through and sadly it didn’t. We tried counseling, we tried medications, we tried what we thought would save the marriage but when it came down to instinctiveness, my instincts were telling me to remove the kids.


Source:
http://parentingtogetherlivingapart.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/lessons-from-half-of-me-my-life-as-an-alienated-child-parent-and-step-parent/

Find some of us here
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Or some of us here
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Joseph Kenick III via The Fathers' Rights Movement

 

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